My girlfriend-at-the-time's dirty, dirty ass. Thought it would be like in my fantasies, where it tastes like candyfloss and smells like a Yankee candle. Nope. Shit. Just shit.
If you're curious, shit tastes exactly as it smells. I wish I didn’t know that. Although I'm happy that now you, too, know that.
And she had the nerve to dump me later. I deserve a Nobel peace prize for not recoiling in horror and instead just powering through in silence like a fucking GENTLEMAN.
On the bright side, it became a great way to ensure future partners were cognisant of the issue. I'd drop it into the usual "what was your ex like?" gossip sessions that come with new relationships. It's like saying "please wash your various holes if I'm gonna go rooting around in them like an ant-fiending aardvark" without actually saying it. A cautionary fable from days of yore to guide the next generation.
P.S. I'm still pro-anilingus. Just... clean the fuckin' thing first. I don't need to be picking dingleberries from between my teeth, thanks.
This was 30 years ago. I lived on the second floor of an apartment. I left a half-eaten bag of Little Debbie chocolate donuts on the floor next to my bed. The next night, in a dark room, watching David Letterman, I remembered and reached for the bag. I was three donuts in before I noticed the slightly strange taste, and the ant crawling on my face.
Maggots. I've been chasing the high ever since. They were hiding in a pineapple flavored Swiss roll. I thought the maggots were coconut flakes at first. Pina colada is a good flavor. The maggots popping like boba didn't set any alarm bells off. It was better than the usual coconut crunch. The maggots wriggling against my gums and tongue didn't set any alarm bells off. It was the only time I ever chewed something that felt carbonated. The lone maggot crawling across my couch away from certain doom finally clued me in. Half of his platoon just got eaten and the other half was without a doubt up next.
The same thing happened to my mom at some point when she was a kid. For her it was an Almond Joy or Mounds, which let the maggots blend in even better. Is it a once in a lifetime thing everybody experiences or a generational curse? I feel cursed with the knowledge that maggots in the right context taste like the fuckin' future.
Tastes like turpentine and grapefruit juice. The former I've actually tried accidentally... dipped my paint brush in my cup of water and took a swig of the other cup. Somehow, the malort was worse. Learned recently that they make a barrel aged version that they claim is
When I was around 3 or 4 y/o, a neighbour kid managed to convince me to take a bite of a dried dog shit.
I don't remember what he'd said that convinced me, I just remember the laughter when I actually did it... I wasn't the brightest kid, but very curious and gullible.
Stinky tofu. It's hard to describe the flavor. It's like dead anchovies in fish sauce but with the texture of a slice of omelette. It's like eating rotten fish snot. I involuntarily spit it out immediately after putting it in my mouth, almost like it fell out of my mouth. My hosts laughed and said I didn't have to eat it, but I tried again and was able to keep it in my mouth but was not physically able to swallow it, like my ability to swallow was rejecting it. I spit it into a paper napkin and everyone laughed. I just couldn't force myself to consume it.
I got some of that pre period goop in me once. I would say that turnabout was fair play for a dude but I don't like blowies so I just got gooped for nuthin
The Elvis. The sandwich American rock singer Elvis Presley made famous. Peanut butter, banana, and bacon. Grilled like a grilled cheese sandwich.
Addendum: I am allergic to peanut butter. I got ahold of a soy-based alternative called Wowbutter, and people who are not allergic tell me they nailed the taste, but the aftertaste is kinda not good. So, the first thing I did was shove a whole teaspoon-full of it in my mouth. My brain goes "you dumb fuck, you're gonna die," but I didn't, because it wasn't toxic. So I went and tried everything made with peanut butter (BTW, strawberry > grape for PB&Js), including the Elvis. A lot of it was kinda gross. I guess if you were raised on peanut butter, maybe, I can see it, but I didn't think the experience was anything special. Not when Nutella exists... which I also can't have. But then there's Biscoff spread, which is non-toxic, apparently it's also vegan (wouldn't peanut butter be, too?), and it's ten billion percent better than all that other shit. Though, you would be absolutely right in saying I've never had real peanut butter, or your favourite variety of it.
Actual shit. I was rimming my boyfriend and he had thought he cleaned enough, he was wrong. I immediately threw up washed my mouth out and brushed my teeth. Disgusting, in case I needed to say it.
This was something like 16-17 years ago now so it's clearly left a mark
It was about 2-3am, I lived on the ground floor of a student house and I wanted a snack. Remembering I had bought some yoghurts a day or two before I figured that's what I was going for.
Now I'm not really sure what happened, if I picked up an old one I'd not noticed or it was just bad from the shop, but it didn't notice until after I'd taken the first mouthful.
Needless to say it tasted genuinely awful and put me off yoghurt in general for a good while
One time I got the bright idea to siphon the water out of my ~50gal aquatic turtle tank for some long overdue cleaning. I anchored one end of a water hose at the bottom of the tank and strung the other end out into the yard and proceeded to start the siphoning process with my mouth. Got force fed a giant gulp of whatever got sucked off the bottom of the tank.
I've put some nasty shit in my mouth since then and nothing comes close.
A Zataran's Cajun chicken Alfredo freezer meal...that had been in the un-freezable, non-refrigerated cabinet two weeks.
My wife...gods bless her, was trying to feed me dinner...and found that in the cabinet... after having put it there during our last grocery stock up, not realizing it required freezing. In her defense, it was a grocery order and the item was not something we ordered, so she didn't know the particulars of it, and it wasn't cold upon arrival.
After microwaving, she brings me the plate and a fork and I notice the smell is...unique, but me being hungry and not overly picky though "meh...Cajun seasoning...I guess" so i stir the sauce into the noodles and then lick the fork, as one does, preparing to consume.
The weirdest part, is it was fucking sour. Not sour like spoiled, sour like a million warheads sour. I stopped... looked at the stuff, looked at my wife and shuddered. "This is weird...why is it sour?" I said...still not dawning on me that my wife would attempt to poison me so obviously. She disappears and I sit there, with the offending offering on the table in front of me. "Am I brave enough to eat this? I don't like wasting food..." goes through my head at about the same time as my wife, pale faced and trembling, rushes in and grabs it hollering "don't eat that! It was supposed to be frozen!"
I was passing through Montevideo, Uruguay, and me and some folks at the hostel I was staying at were out trying a local restaurant. The guy who owned the place saw we were tourists and said he wanted to treat us to a local specialty, and so brought out... something. It was something like animal bits, chunks of fat, and who knows what else all suspended in a hard gelatin. It was truly vile, and I swear it had bits of hair in it as well. To be polite we all tried a small bit, and then got the heck out of there as quick as we could.
To this day I can't tell if he was sincere, or if he really hated tourists and gave us the contents of his dish trap. Googling has turned up nothing, but thankfully our politeness didn't extend to actually finishing the awful thing.
Well, there was natō, which is just slimy fermented soybeans. Had a taste like rotten sick and a texture like milky mucus covering half-mushed beans.
Not a fan of sea urchin either.
Also eaten a few expired food items that made me very wary of repeats, and usually put me off the food in question for at least a year. Rotten fruit cup that tasted like acetone, slimy off ham, chunky lemon milk.
Last, I once tried to cook a ham hock in beans. Recipe came out tasting like what I imagine stewed human flesh would taste like. Just wrong. Couldnt say exactly why, but nothing about the smell or taste told me it was edible. It was the most visceral "you're-eating-a-dead-thing" feeling i've ever gotten.
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