i have crippling depression

I remember being lonely, emotionally starved, and deeply depressed and dreaming of having someone to share my life with. Now my wife is sleeping next to me with my kids in their bedrooms. In a moment I'll put my phone down and roll over and snuggle in next to her and grab her boobs.

This is and has been better than I ever dreamed.

I am so fortunate to have a roof over my head. Hot water. Food in my pantry. Gas in my car.

Ten years ago I spent a few days twitching with dystonia on the floor of a state psychiatric hospital and thought to myself that it couldn't be that hard to do that job properly. I went back and worked there for two years, went back to school and became a nurse and I've been my current hospital's crisis deescalation and physical skills instructor and emergency behavioral response nurse to the medical units for two years now. 🎉

Having a full belly is a nice thing to have, thank you.

i do remember crying under my blanket in the late dark in my car behind a 7-11 parking lot hoping that the cars coming weren't cops and wanting to poo but being scared to get out the groover. And that over and over and over again trying to find where to put my waste and how to find some place to be and feel accepted and not broken and hated.

fortunately some of it has changed. but not that much.

I do remember wanting what I currently have and, now I have it, I'm a pretty happy guy.

I remember living in a squat in Nottingham with a bunch of people I didn't really like. I had no relationship, no money, no job, not much hope. I remember, with laser-focussed clarity, one night in particular when I wasn't feeling well. Everyone else was out partying and the only thing that stopped me ransacking the whole house and taking every single pill (or other drug) I could find was pure depressive apathy. I couldn't even be bothered to kill myself.

Now, many years later, I'm married, have kids and a goofball puppy (now I work from home), I own a great house, and I am at the unwinding stage of my career. I've recently gone freelance and am currently working about three days per week for almost as much money as I was on before. Obviously work could dry up which would be a pain but my wife's income is stable and I'm also developing a couple of additional side hustles to help mitigate that risk. My plan is to gradually reduce my workload and slide gracefully into a comfortable retirement over the next five to ten years.

To anyone starting out on their adult life's path, it's worth saying that I've never had a plan, either for a career or pretty much anything else. I've always just gone with the flow and said 'yes' to whatever opportunities came along (always, always, always keep your eyes open for opportunities). That, and I've always worked hard and treated people well. Sometimes that's all it takes. Almost every job I've ever had came from people who had worked with me before and wanted to again.

And to anyone else who's living with depression, all I can say is that 'this too shall pass', and better times will come.

I still want what I currently have, but I never wanted ONLY what I currently have.

But, I got old and tired, and have settled for what I've been able to get, because fuck it.

None of this means I'm not happy, but like Calvin said, "Things could be a whole lot better, too!"

I'm content to be content.

This goes right back to thinking that you're going to be a different person in the future.

• When I am old enough to drive
• When I am an adult
• When I get that dream job
• When I get that cool car
• When I get that dope house
• When I find the perfect partner
• When I get married
• When I have a beautiful family
• When I can finally retire

You're still gonna be the same person. There's no dividing line. You are always going to be the entity that you are right this second. Tomorrow you will be the same human being, just with 1 less day to live. In 20 years from now you'll still be the same human being. But with 20 years less to live. Did you use those 20 years wisely?

If you don't love yourself now, you won't love yourself in the future. Work on yourself. Learn to love all the good things about yourself, right now. If there are things you can improve about yourself, then work on those things.

Now I want what I currently remember

100%

I suffer from depression, so reminding myself of how fortunate I am is pretty important. I know objectively that, even with my struggles, there are billions of people who'd switch places with me if they could, and my life is pretty okay.

Fine, I'll go tell my wife I love her again, but I do that enough that it has to be a bit annoying

Ain't showing gratitude for my job though

I remember an hour ago when I wanted to be at home, and now I am.

Pepridge Farm remembers

I mean, no? What the fuck is that like?

I think the only thing I don't still want that I remember I wanted is the Quest 3. I barely use it anymore, because Meta has made it nigh unusable with some of the updates over the last year or so.

Now I want a Steam Frame.

I never wanted to work.

Yeah I remember when I wanted immortality

I remember having what I currently want

No as I did expect more.

living a life i could've only dreamed about all those years ago during my early transition <3

My live used to be much better back then ... I don't think the two are particularly related for me, though.

But I've had it for so long!

Remember when I don't want what I currently have?

(Oh God, what have I done?!)

Divorced, renting an apartment for three times what my mortgage used to be, chronically ill, unable to work and no hope of a decent pension? Can't remember wanting that.

I have some of what I have but not in the way I wanted. Is kinda monkey's paw.

I don't, my expectations were so low that stable minimum wage employment and not having to worry about money was more than I could even dream of.

Credit: Sidney Harris

Yes I was young and stupid.

Now I’m old enough to know that wanting things is dumb.

I do remember. Almost every day. Wife, kids, house. Got everything, and it has lived up to every expectation.

So far I don't have any new wants, lifestyle inflation or anything like that. I was a bit afraid as colleagues get into very expensive hobbies and stuff. Playing hide and seek with the kids, or watching some fun videos on the TV is enough for me.

Nope. I had more 15 years ago. Now I'm in worse shape, older, more health issues. No kids, make good money but it goes nowhere because inflation is up and I don't even have my own house unlike 15 years ago.

Me when I am sniffing every flower I pass, greeting every cat I see, and cherishing the transient crown of health.