I'm going with my inability to think about anything that isn't currently in range of my senses.
That bill that needs paid, that doctors appointment, the fact that there's half a gallon of gas in my car, NONE of it exists until I get an email, calendar alert, or I hop in the car and need to be somewhere in 5 minutes.
That there must be something fundamentally unlikable about me but I don't know what it is and nobody seems to want to tell me so that I can change it.
I know at least two times when I was definitely hallucinating in my adult life, which makes me uncertain how many other times I was hallucinating that I don't know about.
My codependency. I completely rely on others for my own validity. If people are busy/don't want to hang, it really upsets me.
I know it burns out my closest friends. I talk to most of them daily and over analyze the fuck out of our friendship if they get busy/distracted.
I'm honestly lucky I still have the ones I do. I'm also starting my first therapy session on 31 Jan so I don't lose the people I have in my life.
My immediate problem is I have an extremely hard time asking for help, in any context. I think it stems from trust issues. My immediate thought when something needs to be done is "I will do it, or it won't be done and I will deal with that outcome", because I think the chances someone else will actually do it when asked, the way I want it done, are pretty low.
Makes you a rock star at work until you break under that expectation you set. Makes for weird relationship dynamics when you help all the time and never ask/expect that it will be reciprocated. It's just not a great position for fostering healthy interpersonal dynamics in general. I'd argue that it might also sap energy from working towards some things you want done, and are unhappy, deep down, are left undone.
I think there's even a name for it - helper syndrome or something. It's a weird "It actually works pretty well, until it doesn't" position.
God, where would I even begin? I hate almost everything about myself.
One big thing I cannot stand is how emotionally overreactive I am. When I get upset about something, I get so deeply and incredibly upset to the point where it doesn't even make sense. I feel things way too incredibly deeply and I hate it.
Another is that I endlessly frustrate myself by being lonely, but at the same time never putting myself out there to try to meet new people. But I hate new people and getting to know them. I only like people that I already know well.
And to top it all off, I made the mistake of letting someone get too close to my heart only for them to leave me. It's not even their fault because they are literally just my coworker...we weren't even friends outside of work. But I made the mistake of liking them and getting close to them. And if I can't even handle that with just a coworker, I don't know how I could ever put myself out there to be vulnerable for a relationship more than that knowing that they might leave me.
My insurance changes Jan 1st and I'm going to really try to give therapy a go this time around when I get my updated insurance info. I tried months back but quit after one session after seeing the price. Honestly I wonder if I need pills or something because I am just so incredibly frustrated with life and everything and I can't stop crying like an idiot.
My inability to both talk to new people, and stop talking once I start. It's like I have to mentally burst through a brick wall, and then can't figure out how to stop.
I feel awkward as fuck.
Procrastination. Seriously, I'm meant to be in bed right now!
I'm too self aware that I'm paralyzed by most aspects of daily life. I'm frustrating to myself.
ADHD. I blurt shit out. My emotions are about 6 steps ahead of the rest of my brain. Uninteresting things are death. Time is either too fast or too slow. Sitting still for long periods of time is torture
For me it's gotta be my shaky hands. I don't know why they're so shaky but it makes typing hard and I have to take pictures multiple times to get one not blurry. Super frustrating!
Small talk. Not sure why but it's incredibly difficult for me to initiate a small talk or make it flow nicely from one topic to another. It's a reason i find myself resisting the idea of dating or simply went out to socialise, or even talk to my neighbours. The anxiety always there.
I have rage issues and I know why. Being angry is a pain killer, a source of temporary energy, a coping mechanism. Got the flu last year and felt like death, walking to my kitchen stubbed my toe, got furious, suddenly I don't feel sick any more. I have become an addict to the rush of adrenaline I get from being angry.
It has hurt my career, it has ruined friendships, relationships, and caused who knows how many self-inflicted wounds. By every measure I have an incredible life so yeah it is me, the universe clearly doesn't owe me anything more.
My big wakeup call was this summer when I was staying for a few days at a beach resort sitting on the balcony and just looking at the paradise of jungle+mountains+ocean and I am still mildly annoyed about a thing that happened at work a year ago.
Therapy starts in January when my new better insurance plan kicks in.
The crippling depression that's completely stopped me from functioning in any meaningful way. That's definitely the big one.
I can be insufferably insistent at times. If someone says they'll do X with me, or for me, I will pester them until they do, "playfully" jabbing at them the longer they don't do whatever they said.
I don't trust anyone. I have a total of two friends.
The longer I know someone/the closer they are with me, the harder time I have acting like myself around them. It gives me anxiety trying to just act like a normal person, I’m suddenly monotone and so muted people can’t hear me.
My family, most longest/closest friends…it’s like they actually don’t know who I am. And my parents are getting older and I can’t act remotely happy or even awake around them. Been this way my whole life.
Executive dysfunction. I have a horrible time with completing tasks that I've built up stress over, my brain just won't let me start because it feels hopeless. It's a constant struggle to get things done. And nobody understands. I don't really expect them to, because "oh sorry that task stressed me out so much that I've just completely avoided it" isn't a valid excuse. ADHD drugs helped but I don't want to be on them, and a prescription to them bars me from doing other things that I actually enjoy. So I'll probably just struggle with it the rest of my life.
I've recently noticed how often I say "Part of me thinks," and now it bothers me. I don't even know when it started, or where it came from.
For example, I'll say something like: "Part of me thinks I should put a plant on that shelf."
I am not wealthy enough to sit on the couch all day
My anxiety and inability to handle bad results and criticism. I'm getting better about it, year after year, but it still hurts when I make judgement calls and people are upset.
I'm a complete recluse. My own family never sees me for days on end, because leaving my room for almost any reason gives me extreme anxiety. My parents always fought a lot growing up and it became my safe space to escape from it, but now it's a problem. They're divorced, but I still can't make myself come out more than a few times a week, besides going to work. I always feel ashamed never being able to come out, but the anxiety is paralyzing. My ADHD also makes my life hell, as well as depression.
I feel like this is a young persons question. I’m old enough that I’ve been dealing with myself for a long time. I’ve come to terms with everything. I’m fine with myself. It’s all the external factors that are hard. The direction of the world governments, the climate, the price of things. If I could just exist in a vacuum. I’d be pretty happy with that.
Not knowing what I want out of life. Including whether to break off the nine-year, kind of dysfunctional relationship I've been in (neither option feels good).
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