Get a pot of water ready for any flare ups!

be sure to fill that baby alllll the way up before dropping the bird in from about counter-height.

Make sure the turkey is fully frozen before you put it in.

To shreds you say?

Just go ahead and call the fire department now. It'll save everyone time.

Seasoning?

Monoammonium phosphate in a Class B shaker.

I've heard they're best when cooked from frozen

Such a setup would make me leave the premises faster than a bunch of MAGA-brain uncles could do.

I like how you're taking precautions by making sure your floor doesn't get damaged from the oil splatter. Great job!

If your oil is a bit too hot toss in some ice cubes

Firehose

I'm just so glad all the comments have such useful advice for folks. I second the tips suggesting throwing it in frozen and adding more water when things get spicy.

Ice

Just a pinch of a fire truck on standby should do the trick.

Toss in a few plugged in power strips and extension cords to add a nice spicy flavor to everything.

Gasoline

Keep doing what you’re doing.

I have several drunken and glib responses ranging from actual seasoning advice to something about the season of the witch. How-the-fuck-ever.....

Run. Just fucking run. Neighbors? Kids? Whatever. Run.

Aloe.

A coupe of hand grenades for some extra kick!

I suggest a nice marinade