I went through something similar as you last year. I'm still not completely over her, still think about her daily, but it's a distant past now.

Whatever happens, you are still you. Whatever pain you feel, it won't change you unless you let it to. Use it to learn something about yourself, get stronger, learn to enjoy it. But never forget that you're in charge, and that those feelings will pass.

I can understand that it feels that this is the maximum you can cope with. But as long as you keep breathing, you still exist and you can cope. I can promise you that if you go through it instead of around it, it will get better. I cannot promise you exactly when or how high the peaks will be, but I can promise you that as long as you keep breathing you can cope.

My little sister died from anorexia, I had a miscarriage, my parents emotionally neglected and emotionally abused me as a child and several other traumatising stuff happened. I know pain. I do not underestimate yours. But this is how I dealt with it and I think it will help you too.

I sincerely feel for you. But the pain has a function. You need it to process and you need to feel it to eventually be able to make a new and happy life for yourself. Just keep breathing and go through the waves. I know you can do it.