I just had a huge McDonald’s order. I haven’t had McDonald’s in years

It’s so good 😭😩

It’s unimaginably hard to process. But it’s a very small solace knowing that I didn’t have to go without knowing for very long. I had to practically drag it out of him. Its scary thinking about if I had found out a month or two down the line, but it’s also kind of reassuring in a way, kind of like ‘I could be hurting wayyyy worse’.

I also think being around people would be helpful for me. Focusing on other social relationships. It’s just personally hard for me to connect with others. Everything I do feels forced. I wish I had let down my guard with others enough to be able have plans with someone every day. This is the goal I will have to focus on from now on so I don’t have to feel this way in the future.

Everyone here is so kind it’s making me cry even harder, lmao. Thank you. Thank you so much for your perspective, and for your encouragement. Your confidence in me makes me feel a lot stronger. my mind gets really caught up in what ifs and just general dread around the future when what I need to do is just be present in the now.

Just wish the right now wasn’t so lonely.

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I am not a social person by default (he was the extrovert), so it’s difficult for me to be more social than I am now. I do have a lot of insecurities which makes that harder but I’ve been trying to see myself in a more positive light lately.

I really like what you said about roots and connecting with the things I used to love. He was so intertwined with my life and hobbies that it’s hard to find something that doesn’t have to do with him or the both of us. I feel like I need a 180 degree, blank slate/reset. I don’t know where to start with that.

If only I could just ride the liquor until I forget I loved him. But who knows how long that will take. The liquor will have me by the end of it.

That’s the thing. He doesn’t want me to completely go because he values our friendship and the things we have built together. He said it’s okay whatever I decide, but that’s a horrible decision to have to make. I know blocking him and walking away will hurt him as a friend as well. Thankfully I’m not really active on social media and I am not the type to snoop or anything. I know no contact is probably the better route, but now I feel like I’m also letting myself and my work down

Thank you so much for this perspective. Thinking about it like that makes it easier to think about the future and be aware in my present. That being said, I’m hoping this is the highest peak because if it isn’t, I am not going to make it. My threshold for pain is in the negative digits.

I know I need to feel feelings to actually process them. I don’t think it’s fully hit me yet how drastically my life just changed. It makes me feel destructive and defeated at the same time. I want to jump out of my skin.

I plan to. It sucks because we’ve also been working closely together on a lot of dream projects and I have to decide whether to give that up and destroy what we built, or stick around and torture myself and my sanity. I can’t make that decision.

Im so sorry to hear that. That’s awful to be that close to marriage and just leaving everything you built together. I’ve gone no contact with most of my friends and family from my past because of some serious abuse issues, and have been living alone for the past three years. Prior to this he had been semi-living with me. We’d been best friends for the last 6 years. I’m a pretty solitary/private person, yet we were inseparable. Just thinking about having to be alone right now is killing me, nevermind the future.

Thank you for the kindness you’ve shared with me. I guess deep down I knew that this wasn’t the love it should have been, and I don’t want him to be stuck in a relationship he wasn’t getting any happiness out of. I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving him, but he absolutely has a right to his own happiness and love.

My mind knows this. My body hasn’t got the memo. I can’t stop crying.

Yeah. I’ve been talking to my sister and best friend about it. It’s late though, and they need to sleep so I’m also trying not to bother them too much right now. The loneliness and pain is honestly just overwhelming. I haven’t felt this bad since I lost my dog and that absolutely destroyed me. The night I lost her I drank until I passed out and I think I did that for the next couple of weeks.

I don’t want to do that again but I do need to numb the pain or I’ll lose my mind from lack of sleep