Tonight's top story in metaphorical news at 11. The US bent itself in half to suck its own dick and broke it's spine. Doctors were unable to ascertain the nature or extent of the injury as America is both paraplegic and unable to speak because of the cock in its mouth.

The nations top physicians are consulting on what can be done. The nations top philosophers, having already debated what should be done, have released their final report concluding "Why bother".