I’ve realized over the last decade that I really don’t belong in a relationship so, this is all filtered through that realization:

First of all, I’m incapable of choosing mentally healthy partners, and they probably wouldn’t want me if I could. Can’t say I’d blame them even slightly. I’m not a very good partner, especially long-term. Short term it’s fine for the partner, as I’m a people pleaser big time, but then I get tired of being second in my own life, and resent being taken for granted..

And I have no sex drive. None at all. I’m fairly certain I’m asexual, but that realization took me almost 35 years (largely due to the social messaging aimed at women that being turned on isn’t really important, it’s your job to please men etc etc.). I also tend to find women substantially more aesthetically appealing, but I don’t actually want to sex them. (I’ve tried; it wasn’t better)

And on top of no sex drive, I was raised by a cold and distant single mother -I have no memories of affection as a child- so I genuinely never even think about being spontaneously affectionate with partners.. it just doesn’t occur to me. And if they try to initiate too often, it becomes very off-putting for me. Suffocating.

However, I’m supportive (to a fault) and try to encourage positive life changes. But due to my own history, I tend to choose deeply flawed partners (mostly alcoholics and abusers), so they end up (emotionally or otherwise) dependent on me, which conflicts with my inability to be affectionate..

It’s just a mess honestly.

But I’m also just happier on my own, not having to deal with what someone else wants from me, or my disappointment in not getting what I need or was promised from them. I don’t have to maintain someone else’s standards, I don’t have to put my own desires on the back burner because their life is imploding because they fucked up again in the exact same way they fucked up the last 10 times, I don’t have to feel like shit for not being better for them, or not “fixing” them. I think I’m pretty ok as-is in other contexts, though. Not great, but not as bad as relationships tend to make me feel about myself.

(I’ve tried for decades to “fix” who I am in this regard. If it can actually be done, which I doubt, I don’t have the energy for it at this point, nor the desire to keep trying. It simply isn’t worth it to waste even more of my life on something I realize I don’t really want.. I’d like more friends though..)