Sleep on her side of the bed. Then don’t tell her what you did.

When my partner is out of town, I put porn on the big screen

Factorio

Don't change your underwear for two days.

Do what I do, plan for porn, fastfood and beer. In reality you buy a six pack of your old brand, then drink half a beer with a large cheeseburger. Get queasy from the burger and fall a sleep before you manage to play with yourself. Wake up to find that the dog ate your fries and got diarrhea, which you slept through on account of the beer. Now clean up dog diarrhea with hangovers while swearing that you'll never drink half a beer.

LPT: disable the roomba before sitting down, and make sure that the dog has been walked...

"Alcohol and weed don't sound appealing."

We are not the same meme

Try a tab of lsd and go for a nice walk in the woods

Sext her.

If you don’t like alcohol or weed, cocaine is a helluva drug.

Ooh, study for 14 hours straight and forget to eat! That's usually what I do. Wild times.

Pee in all the sinks.

I watch horribly artsy movies or put speed runs on the big TV, blast music aloud, I order a pizza, and I consume the substances you don't find appealing, and I wear the same clothes the entire time without changing

You guys are amazing

Cocaine feels like a good time.

grind leetcode

Rearrange the lounge, or if you want to play it safe, maybe just the shed

Buy one of those silicone eggs to jerk off with

Truest statement.

In that situation I make myself a half-rack of pork ribs in the slowcooker.

Wife doesn't actually mind this, she just doesn't care for pork ribs herself and I don't feel like making her a separate meal when I'm indulging my inner carnivore.

hookers?