192
egg_irl (quokk.au)
submitted 2 weeks ago by to c/egg_irl@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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[–] 18 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

I'm transitioning, and I still want to opt out of being a person. I should be happy right now.

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  • [–] 14 points 2 weeks ago (1 child)

    a hard truth is learning being trans wasnt the source of all your problems, so transitioning wont solve everything. itll solve some stuff, but we still gotta deal with the other stuff. i wish we didnt because personal growth is hard and hating myself is easy.

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  • [–] 5 points 2 weeks ago (1 child)

    I think I'm not ready for personal growth yet. I'm just gonna keep hating myself for now.

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  • [–] 4 points 2 weeks ago (1 child)

    Unwise but it's your life and you'll be there when you're ready for it

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  • [–] 4 points 2 weeks ago (1 child)

    I should probably take Captain Lezbian's advice.

    Yes ma'am, I'll work on personal growth o7

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  • [–] 2 points 2 weeks ago (1 child)

    You can do it!

    And fr, I still was struggling a lot after I started transitioning. Dysphoria was my biggest problem, so I was a lot happier, but it took years of work including CBT to get to where I am now.

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  • [–] 1 point 2 weeks ago (1 child)

    I'm already in CBT, so that's good. Honestly, I think my only real internal problem is my self-hatred, and the rest is environmental/situational.

    I dunno. I'm gonna try being sociable irl, since that's something I keenly miss, and I'll keep working on moving somewhere better.

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  • [–] 2 points 2 weeks ago (1 child)

    Irl socialization is absolutely vital and I'm smacking myself for forgetting to include it. Tbh it may have been more important than the CBT, it's just that I did it alongside coming out (got involved in queer community). And if you're transfeminine I'll also say it's especially good to make friends with other transfeminine people.

    And yeah, no amount or self work will make you feel good in a bad environment, but it can be better and it can help you get out.

    Also, it's important to acknowledge self hate for what it is: a cognitive distortion. Maybe it's completely unfounded, but even if there are real bad things you've done, self hate doesn't make you better, it isn't a penance, if anything it's a distraction from becoming someone you can be proud to be.

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  • [–] 1 point 2 weeks ago* (1 child)

    Huh. I haven't thought of it that way. I gotta love myself to fix myself.

    Also yeah, I really want to make friends with other transfemmes. Like, that's one of the main reasons I'd want to move to a bigger city; it'll be easier to find people like me (autistic gay trans catgirls).

    I also kinda hope that I'll make a friend that really enjoys my company and our friendship becomes... something really special. But that's neither here nor there.

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  • [–] 1 point 2 weeks ago (1 child)

    Yeah it was a hard lesson for me to learn. People only want to spend effort fixing things they think are worth fixing. If you could hate yourself better you'd have seen some improvement by now. Improving is hard and involves trying and failing. Self love is the key to not being discouraged when you face difficulties and fail.

    And yeah, I'd check your area for trans support groups or meetups. Queer activism organizations like PFLAG may also be helpful. The closer to specifically trans something is the more of a red flag it is if you're the only transfem present or there's like one other one. Finding a bigger city is definitely going to help but you may surprise yourself, I found a good friend group when I lived in a smaller city.

    And it's fair to want a closer relationship too. Wanting a partner or best friend/sister figure is normal and these relationships are something we need to be allowed to want without shame. I have built a queer family in my life and I'm married now, and these are things that are worth fighting for. And I'm angry that there are some who try to shame my sisters who don't have such relationships for wanting them as though our people are less human, less deserving of loving relationships.

    You deserve these things, you may have to do some self work to be able to be healthy for others to have such relationships with you, or for them to want to have such a relationship with you, or maybe you're already fine for them. But it's just another reason to do that work, because you deserve the effort that that will take. You deserve the fruits of the internal work and of the external effort of going out and meeting people and trying to form ties with your fellow humans.

    You got this sis

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  • [–] 2 points 2 weeks ago* (1 child)

    Thank you for talking me through this. I'm gonna try a near-ish queer group of which I know, and maybe look for something trans-specific.

    Thanks again; this conversation has meant a lot to me.

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  • [–] 2 points 2 weeks ago (1 child)

    Good luck! And yeah I hope the trans community here on lemmy can be a good and supportive place. I know there's a fair number of us here who are post transition

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  • [–] 7 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

    Same and I'm over 3 years in 😔

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  • [–] 3 points 2 weeks ago (1 child)

    You're not doomed, you just have other barriers to happiness to deal with first

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  • [–] 2 points 2 weeks ago

    Pretty much this. I don't think I'm doomed because I know for certain I can meet my goals, get back on my feet, and be happy, but external factors are what's pushing me down and keeping me dysphoric for longer than I normally would be.

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    • [–] 16 points 2 weeks ago (1 child)

    hey. HEY!

    they aren't a shithead... they tried to connect with pomni... they tried to connect with 🐸...

    they distanced themselves cuz he felt that being vulnerable hurts peeps.

    they r trynna do the "we all fall into our architypes at some point" and atuff, they were trynna keep things fun while not connecting with peeps as much, keeping things light. they tried to entertain the viewers and stuff and they still tried to do those bits with peeps to have a bit of fun and stuff...

    they were...doing their best. they are >:( ! they are >;( ! they were.

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  • [–] 13 points 2 weeks ago (1 child)

    Still an asshole, coming from someone that had the same experience as Jax as a kid, I could have pushed people away and been an asshole but all I wanted to do was make others happy. Not drag people down. I still disassociated hard for years, ran away from my mom's house, and dropped out of school. Went no contact.

    My ex had a friend that had a shitty childhood and would "make jokes" and do pranks but it was always at the cost of someone else.

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  • [–] 4 points 2 weeks ago (3 children)

    ... u can make jokes and stuff and fall into an archetype and talk to the camera and not be evil...

    i just.... got into defensive mode cuz Jax in the series is a lot like me pre... knowing.

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  • [–] 4 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

    (Spoilers, obviously)

    All the TADC characters are

    Tap for spoilerdigital snapshots of people, and in jax's case she is a snapshot of someone on the worst day in their life
    so it's really only natural that jax is kind of a pos. We've all been there and it isn't really Jax's fault for being stuck there.

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  • [–] 4 points 2 weeks ago (1 child)

    But Jax isn't you. You're Maria and you're a good girl

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  • [–] 3 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

    butbut I really kinda sympathize with them...

    also aaaa am not---- am not what u said......

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  • [–] 4 points 2 weeks ago

    I get it, when I watched that scene my sister squeezed my arm as that was almost the same as me, except I was holding a knife to keep my mom away from me. I was able to grow and become my own person after I left, learn how to be social. Took years to trust and even longer to learn about myself.

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  • [–] 1 point 2 weeks ago (1 child)

    Even if you sympathize with her and had similar experiences, you're still you, your own person.

    And yes, you are a good girl. I'm sorry, but I won't deny the truth any longer

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  • [–] 3 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

    i - no nononononononono im not!!!! >o< im - im not what u say i am---- im not.

    im not im not im not - u dont know - what if im some disgusting chaser? >O< that would be awful!!!! and u wouldnt know-

    what if i - force feed babies with fries before they can digest them? that would be awful too!!!!! >O< that would be so maddening!!! and u wouldnt know-

    what if im just ugly and - cant really be sympathized with because of that? u wouldnt know.... but i do.

    i just - i dont feel pretty. i dont feel like im a "good girl" i - i would only be okay with someone saying that if - ... if.... okay fine, imma say a thing. ive said it some time before but imma repeat myself here.

    i see that saying "good girl" almost entirely as a sexual thing... not even as a pet name but essentially as just that... which is unfortunate! it seems like a really way to call someone and the qualifying adjective "good" is - well - positive! and girl is gender-affirming. so it should just feel nice to hear. but when i hear it, i just... i - .... i ,,,, im like "i dont wanna be called that way.... especially when the peeps dont know me personally".

    ive recently received a different name by someone. im not gonna say it - cuz it makes me feel things.... not spicily, but... excitingly. so i know what a nice name feels like. and it feels great!!!! i get super excited and am happy and - i feel like someone who is worth liking, someone who is allowed to take up space. someone who is allowed to want things even if i literally don't allow myself to even imagine that.

    .... that makes me happy. im happy being called that. i like it. it makes me feel oh so happy. but - "good girl"? no. no, nonono thats not it. that doesnt make me feel good, that makes me feel like - its being asserted onto me.

    (and no i wont tell u how that person calls me - thats my name and i get to keep it...... >///< )

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  • [–] 3 points 2 weeks ago (1 child)

    That's fine. I'm happy that you have a phrase that makes you happy, even if you aren't willing to tell me what it is. I've known you online for a while now, and I always meant it when I compliment you. your entire vibe is really sweet and it's been amazing to see you grow into your own and overcome a lot of the dysphoria that was keeping you from being happy. I love how much more confident and happy you seem now, even if things still aren't perfect.

    You've also never been a chaser because you've always been one of us. Most of us could tell before you admitted it openly, ngl. You're just so girl coded it's precious

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  • [–] 2 points 2 weeks ago (1 child)

    :o

    <3 <3

    thank u for saying that... thats quite a (positive) whiplash coming from my previous comment being kinda aggressive and negative.

    a lot - and i mean a lot if the co fidence comes from hrt. the placebo alone did a lot but now that... boobas are actually growing, my smell is changing a bit and... feelings are more explosive and active now... it has done so much.

    no other drug could make me feel this good.

    don't worry, I have told my therapist about how terrible she has been so far. because she really - really really has been. I told her that i felt worse after each session, that I felt my topics are either not addressed, pushed under a rug or literally talked inbetween of... when I mentioned... playing with self harm, she went "oh no, we don't do that stuff around here" and pulled out a generic depression book and didnt even let me talk about a thing I wanted to talk about... My mother was with me at that point and even she, on the drive home, went like "yea no she cut you off multiple times while you were trying to say something"... it won't improve, but whatever - I'm trynna improve it anyway cuz whatever- I'm not paying for it.... but wow. like.... she really has been.... the worst. while genuinely trying to be helpful. like - she really was trying her best but didnt notice... what I said.... its crazy.

    yapping over. more yapping incoming in the pancake video.

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  • [–] 2 points 2 weeks ago (1 child)

    Damn go off lady, if that's how it makes you feel that's you it makes you feel.

    Even if the other commenter was trying to sincerely be nice, you got every right to feel that way.

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  • [–] 2 points 2 weeks ago (1 child)

    yes, TotallyNotJessica is very nice. we have known each other for a whiiile on lemmy now... so, .... i believe that its okay to say stuff like this.

    we have talked about plenty stuff before and i believe its okay to be open with my thoughts here.

    cuz where else am i gonna be open with my thoughts? my therapist? gosh no- pfff >v<

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  • [–] 2 points 2 weeks ago (1 child)

    cuz where else am i gonna be open with my thoughts? my therapist? gosh no- pfff >v<

    Preach, I'm not paying money to go risk getting sent to grippy socks jail.

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  • [–] 2 points 2 weeks ago

    It's ok to relate to characters that have hurt people. Sometimes good people have histories where they weren't so good (not saying you weren't good, I don't know you outside of recognizing the username, though that said I also haven't consumed either piece of media in the meme). This is growth. Sometimes it's the characters I don't like that I relate to that are the most valuable for me, because they show me a direction I should be improving in.

    A lot of people in prolonged bad mental states such as dysphoria, trauma, or mental illness have a history of unintentionally hurting people. It doesn't mean they don't deserve happiness, it just means they need to learn to take care of themselves and how to stop unintentionally hurting people.

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    • [+] 8 points 2 weeks ago
    [deleted]
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    [–] 8 points 2 weeks ago* (1 child)

    Wait, we're supposed to stop being doormsts after we transition?

    Living as a target of transmisogyny has taught me the world actually wants us to hard commit to that doormat life

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  • [–] 2 points 2 weeks ago (1 child)

    Living as a target of transmisogyny has taught me the world actually wants us to hard commit to that doormat life

    I feel this. Very early in my transition, a then friend, a cis woman, was initially very accepting of my being trans, offered to help, and even framed it as a "big sister" kind of relationship.

    This very quickly proved to be hollow, because she would treat me as unreasonable for asking for the help she'd offered. She would regularly talk down to me, making me feel stupid for wanting to transition. At one point, I tried telling her about how I really struggled with things like clothes and makeup because not only am I trans, but I'm also colorblind, and she told me that I "shouldn't get too invested in that stuff, because you don't want to be some vain removed."

    And this was in between long stretches of weeks and months where she wouldn't talk to me. I was the one who had to start every conversation, she never took an active interest in my transition, or my life, when when I tried to take an interest in hers.

    And I let myself be a doormat like that for a long time, because I was so desperate for that kind of female friendship and camraderie, that she kept pantomiming to me, while treating me like shit.

    And that's still a kind of relationship I wish I had, but the whole experience has wrecked my self esteem enough, that I struggle to make connections with other women

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  • [–] 4 points 2 weeks ago

    Yeah I never experienced that because I suspected everyone who offered such things wasn't genuine. I have awesome cis friends who are genuine allies to trans women, but I still watch myself around them to try to ensure I'm not too much of a burden. And like, my cis now ex (only broke up because I moved away) genuinely was amazing as I was learning to be more feminine in my presentation, we'd go thrifting together and she'd push me towards dresses she thought I'd look good in.

    I learned how to do makeup because other trans women taught me some tricks and I experimented and figured out most of it myself (anyone reading, yeah, you can ask other trans women for advice, especially feminine ones, and transfem friends may even help you with it more). And yeah, I really wish I could've had a big sister friend when I was early in transition. I transitioned somewhat young (20) and was in the early wave of a lot of people transitioning, so there weren't many slightly more experienced trans women to go around.

    I'm still afraid to ask my cis friends for feminine support and the like. They offer sometimes and I take them up on it, and I'm starting to be open talking transfeminism to them, but it's terrifying considering how many stories like yours I've seen. And that's despite how much of my transition has been cis lesbians explicitly welcoming me into community.

    Tbph I've had really good cis women in my life, but I've also been shut down so many times by acquaintances and strangers to know not to push myself. I'm cautious and take a long time to trust because of that, and I've been hurt pretty badly because of my fear of standing up for myself.

    I really wish we could rely on cis women for sisterhood, but we have to be here for each other and the cis women who want to be sisters to us can come join. Not separatism, but self reliance as a community. And more importantly, making sure the trans women in our lives know they can come to us and each other for sisterhood.

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    • [–] 6 points 2 weeks ago (1 child)

    Really cool to get both deltarune and tadc spoiled in one meme

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    • [–] 1 point 2 weeks ago

    I have gotten marginally nicer since I began transitioning. But I have to be honest, I don't think I'll ever be commended for my niceness ; I still enjoy being acerb and caustic, more than I should...

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