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I feel like an undateable bingo card, and I hate myself (and the world) for it (lemmy.world)
submitted 11 hours ago by to c/goodoffmychest@lemmy.world
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I am a guy who moved to a western country a few years ago. I am a vegan, atheist, antinatalist on top of already being an introvert, a privacy enthusiast, and a person from the other end of the world.

I find it extremely hard to find anyone. I literally haven't been on any dates in, like, 6 years now. I have zero success on dating sites because:

  1. Most of my values are so extreme to people that they would not want to swipe right on me
  2. This seems to reinforce the algorithms on the sites, and they score me further lower. When requested data from Bumble, I found out that I swipe right on ~3% on the profiles, Bumble only shows my profile to what amounts to 30% of that 3%, and I am swiped right by only ~1.5% of that.
  3. I have been blocked a few times before because of stupid stuff like absence of Google Play Services, phone numbers from a different country, etc., which I believe further lowers my score. Also, I do not verify myself, so yay.

(In my opinion, I am an average looking guy, and my photos are okay, so I do not think the photos are the problem)

Between work, a couple of hobbies, gym and recovering from work, I get no time to meet with people in person. Even if I wanted to, there aren't many common places to meet with new people. I miss when we were young, and could casually make friends in school without even trying.

Some days, I just want to remove all those "filters", but then I cannot explain the removal logically/philosophically. I wish I could have lived my life in blissful ignorance of everything.

May be I am doing adulting and everything related horribly wrong. But regardless, I just wanted to vent and get it out.

Note: I know that there are people who do not agree with my values. I would be happy to discuss them (not sure if this thread is appropriate for that though), but I would appreciate if you would not outright dismiss them.

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[–] 3 points 10 hours ago (1 child)

Why do you mention your "extreme values" on your dating profile when you suspect that you are sabotaging yourself by doing so?

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  • [–] [S] 5 points 10 hours ago (3 children)

    Because I did not want to mislead them. I thought being frank would get me better quality matches, who are more aligned with me. But, to be honest, I don't really know what the best thing to do is given the algorithm is proprietary. May be I should just remove them in just for better scores, and then handle it in the chat if I get a match.

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  • [–] 10 points 6 hours ago (2 children)

    You mention some stuff that I assume that you put on your dating profile, I'll go through it here:

    I am a vegan

    Really only relevant if you're going out to eat or if a non-vegan date is an absolute deal-breaker.

    atheist

    No one cares. Don't make it your personality.

    antinatalist

    Not relevant until you've been in a relationsship for a long time. Also, not a word that everyone will understand.

    an introvert

    It used to be cute that people would mention their Myers-Briggs personality, but I honestly find it cringe. Use sentences to describe your personality instead. Would you rather get drunk and go to a death metal show or stay home, bake a cake and watch Netflix?

    a privacy enthusiast

    Not a bad thing, but no one cares.

    a person from the other end of the world

    Some people might find that interesting.

    I realize that some of my comments sound harsh, but I'm not trying to put you down.

    You mention some hobbies but no details. Those are actually the positives that you want to mention, rather than all the negatives that you listed.

    Also keep in mind that it is very unlikely that the first person you date will be the right one, it is a numbers game. And when you actually do meet the right one, they will almost never fit the template that you expected. Don't try to narrow down the matches too much.

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  • [–] [S] 2 points 4 hours ago

    No, I said that I am those things. I did not explicitly put any of them on my dating profile. I have vegan listed as one of my interests (because I would want to be with a vegan or at least a vegetarian), and I have selected "Don't want kids" on the family planning selection screen in Bumble.

    I know MBTI is cringe, and I did not put that on my dating profile. Neither did I utter anything on privacy (it is already a bit ironic that a privacy minded person is on a dating app, but few know, and as you correctly pointed out, no one cares).

    I did list one of my hobbies in my interests as well (I left it out in this post because I suspected that the negative filters were having a heavier impact than the positive ones).

    Yeah, I realize that it is a numbers game, and chances of finding a compatible person even if I get a match are pretty low.

    I do appreciate the comment though. Thank you!

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  • [–] 1 point 5 hours ago

    Completely agree. You have to act positive and present attractive aspects of your personality that entice people to become friends or more. The fine details can come later.

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  • [–] 7 points 8 hours ago (1 child)

    I wonder if it's less so the views and moreso how you express them? I am actually in agreement work all of your listed views, but this post was off-putting to me. I wonder if you're coming across somewhat "woe is me" or possibly "I'm so edgy" because with a few limited sentences you have to give the broad strokes of who you are, you talk about things that you think make you unlikeable.

    It's not lying to not put that stuff in your profile. Take it out, go on some dates, and talk about that stuff when it naturally comes up.

    I could see an exception to that being to state in your profile that you don't want kids. I would say that, though, not that you're "antinatalist."

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  • [–] [S] 3 points 6 hours ago (1 child)

    Lol, I do not have any of those in my bio.

    I have them as badges/pillboxes/filters (I seriously cannot remember what they're called, been a while since I last did web dev). So, it just shows "Vegan" in interests, and "Don't have kids" and "Don't want kids" in the filter boxes (basically the info that Bumble asks you to enter when you are creating your account; these are removable though).

    So, I do not explicitly write anywhere that I am "antinatalist". I know that it is perceived negatively, and I'd rather just be perceived as "childfree" via the "Don't want kids" tag.

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  • [–] 1 point 3 hours ago

    this may be some dumbass advice, but I always only used Plenty of Fish for dating apps. Both my therapist and I found our husbands on PlentyofFish.

    Bumble sucks, and only men Ive met who said they used Bumble like, believe poor people should die. I never went there for that reason. Totally anecdotal, but, Im mentioning it.

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  • [–] 3 points 7 hours ago*

    Dating is about putting your best foot forward. Don't start off a relationship by shooting yourself in that same foot, save that for later once you're able to show off your likeable qualities.

    If you want matches, your profile should focus on inclusion, not exclusion.

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