Then they would start pacing, hyperventilating, violent outbursts, self harm, all sorts of crazy shit. It was like they felt the full weight of God or something. Literally nothing would calm them down, it would take hours to days. Sometimes it got too much for them and they'd go for the knives. I've never felt more scared and powerless than trying to get a knife safely off an unpredictable person.

From then on I kept sharp things hidden and I was the only one allowed to chop the vegetables lol. Benzo's helped but obviously you can't just keep popping those. Eventually it stopped being healthy for me too, it was a lot to deal with, and I felt like I was making them worse just by existing near them, so I ended it.

My guess is that they started to associate my face with the episodes which became it's own trigger. Obviously I did my best to try and support them, but sometimes your best isn't enough.

They were worse at first because they were alone, but they had family and friends to lean on. I think they're doing better now. They still have the anxiety disorder of course, but I'm not there to trigger it anymore. I'm doing better without the stress of having to monitor my speech constantly and be on alert for an episode.