I just dont see a point anymore, I applied to every IT role under the sun and nothing, IT was jut step down cause I grew up and realized, I had better chances of winning the lottery than getting a game Dev job, or hevk really any cs gig that did anything cool. I tried to make the best of that decision, now I'm realizing there is a very high likelyhood I just work at Walmart forever, and I'm like fuck that. My firnefs tell me thats okay everyone hates their job I need to grow the fuck up. Like dude what the actual fuck. Your telling me I'm gonna spend 40 hours week of my life, not be able to afford anything nice or even have time. And die alone at 70 fuck that. The second my parents die, I'm the literal second I get the call, buying a gun, and driving out in the middle of no where, eating my favorite food I bought on credit card and pulling the trigger. There ain't nothing to live for, I'm autistic anti social, fuck this shit. I didn't habe fun, the past 24 years have been shit. No one cares about me, fuck it. I'm done. I cried for the past 6 hours the only thought of joy I fucking had was blowing my brains out. To not have to do this fucking shit anymore. I fucking hating it. I hate myself too.
Oh sweetheart, you sound so angry and so sad and so exhausted. I really feel for you - grieving your optimism and your hope. It's so so hard when you feel so worn out.
There is some chance you will work at Walmart for some time but it is not definite.
Things change and they've been so absolutely shit for a while now that they have to soon. I can't tell if you already work full-time or not but having a stable wage makes life much easier. There is a silver lining.
Game dev is not simple to get into. This doesn't mean you'll never develop games, I promise.
Having to accept the nature of being working class and having to work forever is really painful and it's okay to find it really painful and why wouldn't you. It is complete bullshit. It is easier when you have a job you don't hate though or at least get to feel like you're expressing your values through.
I'm here for advice if you want practical advice but I think what you need right now is just mainly sympathy.
It is really hard, anyone would find it sad, and is extremely scary to find suicide an attractive option. I'm so sorry you feel so scared at the moment. What you need is to just get through the day at the moment.
Don't focus too much on the future, just focus on looking after yourself. It won't fix everything but it will get you through the bad days until you can problem solve again. Eating, washing, clean clothes, fresh air, getting some rest (ideally sleep but if you can't sleep, dark room, stay warm, nature sounds, that kind of thing).
Sometimes you have to go through waves of these feelings so just try and hunker down and get through it. Our brains suggest lots of ideas to try and problem solve in difficult scenarios and sometimes they suggest really bad ones which can be really scary. Sometimes you have to just kind of be like " okay brain, I know that's what you think is a good idea right now but we're just going to do something else for a bit". And then you get the control back.