(CW: mentions suicide, depression, alcoholism, a toxic marriage)
I know this is going to sound unusual, given my age and my parents' age (in their 70s), but I guess my family is immature in many ways, so here I am. Also, sorry for the length, but I think I need to provide context. I've tried to make it readable.
I was late-diagnosed with autism at 38, low support needs. I've had a decent relationship with my parents for many years, until recently. I would visit them regularly, celebrate their birthdays, help with chores, drive them around, etc. My parents have been married for decades, but they've always had a strained relationship, to the point that they are now effectively emotionally separated even though they live together. My father is retired and highly dependent on my mother for basic needs, but only because he has relied on her for most of his life. My mother is independent and still works a job. They are fairly well-off, living in a big city with savings and a modest pension.
Their marriage problems would flare up every few years, usually triggered by my father's paranoia, unfounded jealousy, and attachment, though my mother also harbours resentment for him. IMO they are living in a toxic relationship. This flare-up happened again about a year ago, when my mother went on a trip to visit her side of the family. My father unravelled and freaked out, paranoid that she would not return, and that she was planning to divorce him. He has always tended towards conspiracy theories, and he is a functional alcoholic.
They are both quite superficial, often trying to fix symptoms of a problem instead of addressing the root cause. Arguably they are also uneducated in many ways. I don't say that to disparage them, but to say that they don't seek to learn. They haven't grown as people together, as a couple should.
So when this last incident happened, my father called me in distress in the middle of the week. I dropped my work and visited him, sat and talked with him for hours, and then checked on him daily until my mother returned. I think he made the mistake of revealing how bad it had gotten between them. He accused her of being vicious and manipulative, showed me text messages of them arguing, including him writing to her in slurred speech while drunk. She ignored him for days. My father said he tried to overdose that night, and their text messages talk about this, with my mother cynically seeming to egg him on.
It felt like I was in the middle of a toxic relationship between 20 year olds, not 70 year olds. I strongly recommended that they see a counsellor or therapist. I think they both need professional help in their own ways, though my father likely has more unresolved trauma that he is avoiding and redirecting. However, shortly after the incident, they tried to sweep everything under the rug and return to "normal" in their typical superficial way. Even inviting me to family events a few weeks later as if nothing had happened. I think they've just got very used to living this way.
My parents did not know about my late-diagnosis at this point. I had received it a few months before this incident. All of this was well past my social capacity. I've always been single by choice, and very intentionally avoided relationships of my own. I don't have a desire for them, but I also think that I couldn't handle the complexity of dealing with someone else's issues in addition to my own. Now my parents are forcing me to deal with their marriage.
I had reached my limit. So, I decided to go out on my own and separate myself from the situation for my own well-being. I moved out of town, quite far away from them. Coincidentally, I also decided to quit my job and explore other avenues. I'm happy with this decision and direction. I'm also being productive and moving forward with my life.
I've given my parents some idea of what I'm doing, but I also want to keep some distance and set boundaries so that they can detach. I told them about my autism diagnosis and gave them resources to learn more about it if they cared to. They later replied that they were "sad to hear about [my] sickness" and they sent "prayers for a speedy recovery". As I said, they have effectively stopped learning new information.
I've made it clear that I would like to be left alone for a few years at least, but they won't listen. They have been trying to contact me repeatedly and they know it is unwanted. We have a large extended family and they have now resorted to asking others to contact me on their behalf. I've been messaged every few months by various cousins and even nephews. I can't help but be paranoid about the rest of the family now, because my assumption is that they are acting on my parent's orders, and it's quite obvious because they have not had reason to contact me in the past. The social pressure feels incessant and overbearing, almost like surveillance.
I'm now leaning towards cutting my whole family off entirely. At least so that I can focus on my path, which is difficult enough.
If I were to take their perspective for a bit, I imagine they regret their actions, just want to make sure I'm okay, and want to maintain a connection with me. However, I don't think they've understood how distressing it was to go through that incident, how difficult it is for me to deal with complex social relationships, and that it's more important for them to seek professional help. I really don't want anything to do with their marriage anymore, and their persistent need for contact is just pushing me away further.
I think I may need to see a therapist about this if the family keeps hounding me, assuming I can afford it. But I wanted to get other peoples' take on it. Can anyone relate? Am I overreacting? Should I be thinking about this differently?
