I get it man. My last year has been hell due to, well, a lot of things but in my case it was a sudden onset of a lifelong chronic illness.

As goofy as it sounds, one of the things that has helped the most for me, and maybe it will for you too, is the Klingon Therapist meme:

The battle against mental illness cannot be won decisively. It is a long campaign against an enemy who never tires, whose forces swell to twice their size whenever you look away. Battle against a foe of such magnitude, who occupies your very mind... every moment you survive is a triumph against all odds. There is no more honorable combat.

You are a true child of Kahless for confronting your fears and I am honoured to have helped you.

Life replies with a gif:

Agreed but my hemorrhoid is back and I ate spicy food the last few meals.

Wish you all the best in the future

the thing about life is its bigger.

How wonderful it would be if life would just listen!