This might sound crazy, but when the kids are asleep I hold the microwave door button in as I shut it. It's pretty darn quiet

Buy the thinnest adhesive weather stripping you can find, and stick a patch in the appropriate place between the door and latch area. That's the zone that makes the KERCHUNK.

DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT AN ENGINEER, JUST A RECKLESS IDIOT. I AM NOT LIABLE IF YOU GIVE YOURSELF BALL CANCER WHILE HEATING UP YOUR LEAN CUISINES.

I also never understood why microwaves need to be so loud. My dishwasher, hell even my washing machine are very quiet in comparisson.

and one with no beeping when I beep the buttons, fucking nazis and their narc microwaves.

Got this as a wedding gift over 3 years ago.

Absolutely love it and the door is self closing. You can slam it and it catches itself and shuts on its own. I assume that is what you mean.

Put an extra regular microwave in the garage/den/faraway room so the noise isn't an issue

This one here. https://www.lg.com/au/microwave-ovens/lg-MJ3966ABS

The door opens from the top down and is opened and closed by hand without latches etc so its quiet.

And you can turn off the beep

Well because I've wrecked my sleep schedule and need a pick me up to finish the days chores I'm usually microwaving leftover coffee. I need help haha