This is so absurdly funny

This is how I found out gundam pilots were in the Epstein files ಥ_ಥ

If by "people sorting" you mean "facial recognition" - well, it should "just work". You may, in the admin backend, go to the jobs section and manually force it to start another scan for missing faces.

That said, it will currently only do facial recognition on the faces in the photos your account owns. If you're using partner sharing (e.g. with your spouse), then you will have separate facial recognition data (only done on your photos) and your spouse will have their own facial recognition data (done on the photos owned by them). Bottom line: facial recognition data is not "shared". If your spouse "owns" all the family photos in your immich, this is why you only see the coworker meme faces and not your family.

The same is true for memories.

The situation is unsatisfactory at the moment, but I've talked to the devs and it's on their roadmap, so this will be addressed in an upcoming release.

Dude holy shit I'm trying not to cackle in bed and wake up my partner

First of all like the other commenter said make sure you have all the right Immich containers running, should be 4 to 5 depending on if you have a backup container.

In the webpage, not the app, go to server settings first, in the machine learning section check that you have facial recognition turned on and a model selected, read through in case you want to change anything else about it.
Then secondly go to job queue and try refreshing face detection and grouping.

I attune your family has human identifiable faces? Do you have a machine learning service container running? If so and if its enabled, it should just work. Otherwise, maybe try tweaking the parameters?

is that last one Gary Glitter?