Understandable, but not necessarily the most healthy way to approach it.

I feel similarly, and it fills me with depression as well, especially after a 13 year relationship fell apart that I thought was going to last forever. I did everything I could to show her I would always be by her side, through her endometriosis, her depression, her disabilities... In the end, even though I gave my all it still fell apart and she moved on. I'm sure you have a lot that's worthwhile inside you, just like she did, that's enough for someone without needing to be fetishized. It takes time to find people who truly are willing to give the time and effort to care deeply, but they are there, I promise. Don't let your depression swallow you whole. I know that's easier said than done, I struggle with it daily myself, but it's not hopeless, as much as it often feels as such. I still cry about missing her all the time, two years later, but sadly that is just the way life goes sometimes.

So that evil does not snatch you and make you do weird stuff.