Apparently I'm going off of old information. I just found out there are independent shops that are certified by Tesla to do work now, although it looks (and correct me if I'm wrong) like they're limited to "routine" maintenance and repairs. It also looks like many of the tools required for repair are locked behind said certification.
So the situation is better than it was 3+ years ago, but my new stance is there are still serious right-to-repair issues with Tesla that precludes me from buying one.