I think you deserve all the hugs in the world for having to feel that way 🫂 That's heartbreaking. I know you can't do anything about how it all is and you're unbelievably bright and level-headed and observant for all you've been through, but I hope so much you do find your own family when you become independent and get some of those happy family vibes in your real life. The physical feeling of belonging and security is absolutely unmatched. May you get to experience that for real with good people who will be there for you :D

so many super hugs

I get that feeling from "normalcy" too, then I see the dysfunctional fam and have to tone down my normal.

I'm the same with any family related media. It just hurts. I know about that euphoric state you're talking about. For me, they happen when I succeed at something I've been working hard at. I feel really good for a while, then the thoughts of "wish I had a family (that's average) to celebrate with".

All my victories are silent.

I lie to people when ask me about my family. I made up a story about how they are all overseas. Stops the weird vibe that happens when you tell the truth.