A not very epic poem about smart appliance FOMO, to be sung to a tune played on the world's smallest violin

I'm devastated my fridge is old and does nothing
but keep my food cold.
I feel so poor and left out,
having no access to these value-strengthening promotions and curated advertisements.
My dumb fridge just
stands in a corner of the kitchen, not talking to me!
I feel so alone among my silent appliances.
Please speak to me washing machine
say something sweet space heater
profess your undying love to me dish washer