About 2 weeks ago I saw something that made it twig for myself. It was a random Orion Kelly video about the biggest signs of autism in adults and I found myself stunned that I hit every point but one.

Initially I was like you. Confused on how to feel. 'Autism' for me has always been a loaded word and came with particular connotations.

But this last week, especially, has certainly softened those feelings. I'm still not happy with applying the word to myself. It feels awkward and an excuse, and coming from 32 years of being fearsomely independent (probably because I'm on the spectrum) and a strong believer in people being in control and responsible of their own actions it's still a tough pill.

Overall I think ruminating has been good for me. Keep researching it, reading/listening to other autistic people's stories and experiences and start making a list of the traits that you identify with. It's helped me have something that I can share with my partner, and it's helped me realise things like what my stims are etc.

I feel kinda relieved. Autism would be an explanation why so many things that seem obvious to others, seem so weird or different to me. Of course I know that tests and self-evaluation doesn't mean you necessarily have it, but I have been told before by a mental health professional, that I might be autistic. I should definetly look into it more with a professional.