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If you're not attracted to anyone "in your league", but you cannot choose who you are attracted to, then what are you supposed to do? (lemmy.world)
submitted 2 years ago by to c/nostupidquestions@lemmy.world
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I've always wondered this. Some people have trouble with dating because they try to go for people out of their league who don't like them back. But society also tells us that we can't choose who we are attracted to. Like for example, no one makes a "choice" to be gay.

So what happens when you're only attracted to those out of their league that will never ever like them back?

Do the people with this issue still date? But when they date, they lie to their partner that they are into them? I have been on a couple of dates with someone I wasn't into before. It make me incredibly guilty and dishonest that I did not like them back.

Curious as to the experience/thoughts of others.

Apologies if this is the wrong community. I will remove on request. Thanks.

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[–] [S] -1 points 2 years ago* (1 child)

I don't have "internalized body dysphoria for other people". I don't even understand what that's supposed to mean. That's not even a thing.

I have a significantly reduced ability/capacity for attraction. I fall on the asexual spectrum, which is difficult because it means I am not compatible with 99% of "real people". My only hope is finding similar people online, but it has been difficult considering the infantessimally small pool I'm working with.

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  • [–] 2 points 2 years ago (1 child)

    If you identify as asexual then why are you upset with partner selection?

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  • [–] [S] 3 points 2 years ago* (1 child)

    Because it's lonely?

    No matter who I meet, everyone prioritizes their SO or family over me. But I totally understand why they do so. I'm only a friend and I'm not at offended by this. They SHOULD prioritize these people over me.

    But I just wish I also had someone who we would both equally prioritize one another above all else. A friend for life. Not one who will just fade away one day and you never see them again. Someone to spend my time with and to grow old together.

    I'm not really sure why so many sexual people assume that asexuals don't need to have human interaction. It means I don't have a sexual need. It doesn't mean that I don't have a social need and a need for connection.

    I would like to be different. I would like to be able to connect deeply with others. I would like to be like all of you here. But I can't.

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  • [–] 1 point 2 years ago (1 child)

    You have a large buffet of friends to choose from... and one sad reality in couples is one of them will "leave" first, so handling change is just part of life.

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  • [–] [S] 3 points 2 years ago* (1 child)

    I get that relationships are not necessarily permanent, but they have a greater chance to last "til death" than friendships. And people don't buy a house or raise children with their friends.

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  • [–] 1 point 2 years ago (1 child)

    Now I'm really confused; The desire to build and raise a family is part of the asexual spectrum? That, to my uneducated lay, perspective feels like a very sexual activity (not as in the act of sex, but sexual in terms of reproductive roles and duties and desires).

    I hope your able to find good people in your local area that you can spend time with, and hopefully someone to click with. Opening this discussion about having too high standards and then moving the conversation into being lonely tells me you have options, but your not happy with the options. Come to peace with the people around you and don't be lonely anymore.

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  • [–] [S] 2 points 2 years ago

    I'm confused at how you think that living with another human being or raising children are sexual acts? Yes, you need to have sex in order to become pregnant, but the act of raising children is a totally nonsexual activity.

    I don't have "options" because I can't become attracted to available people around me. That's the problem. I'm not "unhappy with the options". They don't exist.

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