Hello! Last week, I made a post ranting about feeling overwhelmed by the things going on in my life. I received some very good advice, and upon reflecting, I managed to shift my perspective.

Now I feel better and am in a more positive mindset. This got me thinking about the good things going on in my life. One thing that I am proud of is the fact that I started working out one and a half months ago and watching my diet as well. During this period of time, I managed to lose 4 kg, and I feel stronger physically than I have in a long time. I started tracking my calories, eating less junk food, cutting out sweets, and no longer drinking sodas. I still have a lot of work to do, but I now feel better and more motivated to continue.

So here’s my question: what are some things going on in your life that you are proud of?

Starting about 4 years ago, my wife and I started trying to have a baby. Now, 4 years later, I am turning 40 this year and she is turning 43. We still do not have a baby and it feels like the window is closing with each day. About 2 years ago we started going to a doctor specialized in fertility issues, and we went through various procedures which culminated in starting IVF treatment. Up until now, we've done 2 IVF rounds and we are preparing for the 3rd one. I've talked with my wife and we agreed that this will be the last round of IVF we will be doing, no matter the result. If it's successful, all the better, if not, we will look into other options. Those options are using donated eggs or adoption.

Going through this process has me feeling all kinds of things, but the most prevalent feelings are resentment and feeling powerless. I feel resentment mostly because of the IVF treatment. It weighs on me that the process of becoming a father, for me, means poking my wife with needles. I know that I am fortunate to live in a time where this is even possible. I also know that I am fortunate to live in Romania and have access to a state-run fertility clinic which is about 3 to 4 times cheaper than private ones. Even so, the medicine and procedures are still expensive. I've spent around 20% of my annual income on these 2 cycles. I know that I am fortunate that we can afford it and it does not impact our lifestyle that much. Knowing that we are in a fortunate position makes me feel shitty because I feel resentment. We have all these advantages and yet, here I am, not appreciating what we have and resenting the process. All this resentment feeds that feeling of powerlessness. I poke my wife with needles and she has to go through all the hormonal issues, pain from being poked too much, bruising, and all the other side effects of the treatment by herself. All I can do is hug her, tell her I love her and be there when she needs me. It feels insufficient and I resent that I feel so powerless.

I wish I could speak to my wife about how I feel but how, in good conscience, can I tell her this when she is actually going through psychological AND physical torment? Can I burden her with my feelings? I wish I could speak with friends about it but my best friend and his wife are going through the same thing, with the addition that their medical situation makes the success rate even lower than ours. How can I go complain about our situation when they are going through it with even lower chances? My other friends either don't want kids or already have kids. If I have to hear "you need to relax, take a vacation and it will happen for you" one more time, I will snap. It feels so tone deaf, like our problems, all my feelings are caused by not taking a vacation. It drives me nuts.

Now that we are preparing to start this 3rd cycle, I've also thought about what we will do after, if this does not work. One of the options is to use donated eggs. The thought of my wife carrying a child that is genetically mine but not hers feels so damn unnatural to me. I can't wrap my mind around that. Adoption is the other option but it raises all kinds of questions for me. What if we foster a child, we get attached, but then we get declined in the adoption process? Or the even worse situation, where one of us gets attached and the other does not, what do we do then? If my wife bonds with a child but I don't, can I decline her happiness of being a mother? Should I neglect my feelings so that she is happy? Of course that applies the other way around, if I am the one bonding and she does not, should I force the issue and have her raise a child she does not care for?

I've also been thinking about the idea of being a father and if I would be fit as a parent. My relationship with my parents is almost non-existent and I'm wondering if history would repeat itself and decades later I would be on the other side, where my child would not want to talk to me.

I am writing all of this because I need to vent. I've been thinking about this for a while and it's been giving me anxiety. I have to deal with these feelings so I can be there for my wife and support her the best I can. I've noticed that in the previous IVF cycles, I became easily annoyed. Reflecting on that I realized it was because I felt powerless. It's like I am an RPG character that wandered into a zone that he is underleveled for. I want to make peace with myself and do better by my wife.

Cheers to everybody watching horror movies. Share your relationship horror stories here. Or just horror stories in general. I can dig some Dracula

I'm inebriated and trying to drum up some activity and brotherhood here so I'm taking the easy route out. Also I made this so I can post what I want lol.

Personally one of my favorite games is FFX, for an unconventional reason. My older brother recorded his whole playthrough on VHS for me to watch as a younger one when he was away at college and that really stuck with me as a demonstrable, physical, "this person is your family and cares about you and will always have your back" thing. I mean the game itself is also one of my favorite FFs, but I think that's really why it cements itself in my memory. Family.

I have a good one, just popped back into my head and inspired this. We were watching a movie where a wife cheated on her husband and I say "Damn, what a horrible person". And she just loses it, going off on how "that's such a misogynistic thing to say" "how do you know what SHE was going through" etc. I tried to laugh it off because she was hot and it was early in the relationship and I'm stupid but I'll give you one guess why that particular relationship ended lol.

Anyone else have some relationship red flags, major or subtle, that just made you want to go back and slap your past self?

First off, has been a while, hello to everyone still here. I've had some personal problems lately (I have been curled up in a ball waiting for the world to end) but I'm here. I'd like to say the recent right wing shooting of a right wing figure by a right wing extremist is something we in no way condone (for legal purposes). Killing fascists is something my grandfather fought and died for yes, but...

Anyway. Recently got some what would be disturbing texts from my ex fiance telling me to kill myself about 30-40 times in a row before I blocked the number again. I'm not sure what prompted it. I know she's schizophrenic so probably just "forgot" to take her meds again. She's really not doing well from what I can gather and the fact that I am, pissed her off, still, years after she cheated on me. It's some nice karma, I have to be honest, I derive no small pleasure in knowing the cheating ass is miserable. And I'm scared for my family with all the recent governmental shit. But I have managed to keep the alcohol consumption down a lot so woo

I know this is a dead sub now but I hope if anyone ever needs a place to talk, I hope they'll still think of this. Thank you all for taking the time to read this little update thing.

Also scrolled far enough to see this on my front page! Much love to the people here <3

You know how when you date someone, and it doesn’t work out and you can just cut them out of your life and move on?

I’ve come to realize I can’t do that with my ex wife. She has to be in my life, at least for the next 8-10 years. We have two kids together, and are co-parents.

While I appreciate that we get along when it comes to the kids, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’d be better off if I could just part ways and not have to ever think about her, her happy life in my old home, her new boyfriend who happens to drive the very car I’d always wanted to own, and there’s not a goddamn thing I can do but sit here like a fucking simp begging for table scraps.

I just needed to put that out there. Enjoy your evening.

The last time I posted I dumped a metric-ton of emotion, and it was a lot. If you can visualize Steve Spangler with his Diet Coke and Mentos, that was me and my emotions. It was messy, and it was unfettered.

This past week has been like a sunrise in the mountains, after a harsh thunderstorm the night before. Everything is calm, peaceful, brilliant and bright, and you’d be hard pressed to imagine the night before. IYKYK.

I seem to have fallen into a routine this week: work, personal breaks, personal projects, and even spending the evening reading before bed. Tonight I switched it up and went to a local bar for a couple of drinks.

Normally, I’d go, drink a few beers, and make my way home. Tonight, I was grooving to the music, and even made fast-friends with a couple of guys at the bar. We talked about high school (90s life), kids, and just shot the shit over the Yankees and Mariner’s game on the TV. It felt natural, and unencumbered. If I were a gambling man, I’d be playing the lottery right now.

I guess all of this to say that when everything feels like it’s lost, and there’s no end in sight, you gotta just let go of yourself and trust in the universe.

I’m in no way religious, and I have a hard time believing in higher powers. But, I do recognize that there are things out there that are beyond my understanding. Maybe, just maybe, giving yourself over to the unknown is not so bad. Whatever you call it, just know that you are not alone, and that there is something out there greater than yourself — whatever you want to call it.

Either way, right now I cannot deny the sense of gratitude I am feeling for the past 5 days. It’s been a very long time since I’ve felt so good, and I am not one to look gift horses in the mouth.

So, Mr. Universe, I want to thank you for everything I’ve been afforded this week. I couldn’t be more grateful for the reprieve you’ve given me. 🙏

Below is a letter I wrote to a long-time friend of mine; he moved upstate a couple of decades ago and we lost touch for a while.

I wanted to share it with you all as well. I guess I feel the need to reach out right now; to not feel so alone. And if someone else out there feels anything like I do, then I hope they can get something out of this too.

I don’t know. But it doesn’t hurt to try. 🤷‍♂️

Trying is about the only thing right now that doesn’t hurt.

I appreciate you man.

Some days/weeks are harder than others. Last night, and earlier today, has definitely been difficult. It shouldn’t have been, but it’s been two years this month since [my ex] and I decided to split; well, she decided, and I went along with it without much of a fight. 10 years ago, give or take, my dad died. My brother was being his usual ass self, and just couldn’t leave me alone, and we got into a fight. That was the last time I saw or spoke with my family. My kids, [my ex], and her family were the only family I had left. They were a great family too. They were the family I had always dreamed of having.

Every year at summer time they get together at [local beach] for a beach trip. They rent a big house, and [my ex]’s parents, brother and his wife, sister and her husband, and their children, all get together and just hang out for the week. Shit, now that I think of it, the last time I went with them to the beach was on the 4th of July in 2023. It was a thinly veiled “last chance” for me and [my ex], but we had one argument and by the time we got home she set it in stone that we were done. So I started looking for an apartment and I moved out by August. Now, I get to sit here all by myself while they go off and have their fun adventures.

I not only lost my adopted family, but our mutual friends eventually decided I wasn’t worth a damn anymore. Of course she’s still friends with them. It wasn’t for a lack of trying on my part, but they just couldn’t be bothered with me. So I gave up on them too. Not only was my family not mine, but neither were my friends.

I love my boys so fucking much. I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting them. No matter how bad things get, I don’t think I could ever do it. I tell myself they are too young to deal with that sort of thing. Maybe in 8-10 years when they go off to college; maybe when they settle down with a family of their own. I don’t know. I think I’m just making excuses because I’m just a fucking coward.

I cry myself to sleep more often than not. In between the sobs I pray and wish that by the time morning comes, I won’t wake up. Hey, I’m getting old; I have a family history of heart disease and cancer. It’s not too far fetched, and my kids won’t be as fucked up as they would if I did it to myself. Coward.

So many times I’ve wished that the pain in my chest was on the left side, and not the right, where my anxiety lives. Maybe I’ll get lucky and someone or something will do the thing I cannot bring myself to do for myself. Maybe: That’s my mantra. Maybe things will change. Maybe I’ll meet the love of my life. Maybe, if I just hold on a little bit longer, I’ll finally be happy with what I already have and stop pining away for things I think I should have.

I’m all alone in this world. You’re up there with your family, what’s left of my family is down at the beach. I am here in the middle, all by myself.

I hope they think about me a little while they have the time of their lives. Don’t get me wrong. I know my boys love me. I can see it in how they look at me. [my oldest] loves laying with me on the couch. [my youngest] is always telling me about the games he plays. Both kids love having me lay with them at bedtime. [my youngest] did ask for me to come to the beach with them; if I could’ve, I would’ve gone with them. I have no doubt in my heart that they love me. But there will come a day when they no longer come to stay with me. They will leave here for the last time, and go on to live their own lives. Maybe they’ll stay in touch. Maybe they’ll visit from time to time. It’s that damn “maybe” again. Always giving me false hope. And I know from experience that false hope always ends up hurting the most.

Yesterday was a good day. I spent all afternoon playing with my boys at my old neighbor’s annual pool party. [my youngest] was glued to my side almost the whole time. We ate dinner at [my ex]’s. It was a hold over from [my oldest]’s birthday earlier this month. We always give the kids a birthday dinner together. Her sister and husband were there too, so I got to hang out with my nieces a little too. We watched Grizzy and Lemmings on Netflix (the youngest niece is 6), and we had a good time laughing at the goofiness of the show. But then I had to leave and come home. My fairytale had come to an end. My world, once again, came crashing down around me. The tide had ebbed.

I spent most of today sleeping. I woke up long enough to feed and water my dog and watch a movie. Then I went back to sleep for a few more hours. I woke up because the weight of my blanket made it feel like I couldn’t move at all. It’s a weighted blanket, but I felt panicked because I was being pinned down and it hurt and for a good while, I literally couldn’t move. I wasn’t paralyzed. I just didn’t have the strength to move. I did have a paralysis dream once. It was much different; much more frightening. At the time I dreamed I was in my bed, and a monster/demon was coming through my door. I tried to get up to move, but I just couldn’t. It was like when your arm falls asleep and no matter how hard you try, it just won’t move. Now that I think about it, I’ve had that dream twice now since my divorce. This time was different. There was no demon coming for me. I just couldn’t overcome gravity like I usually do.

I’ll probably go back to sleep in a little bit after sending this email. I have no good reason to stay awake right now. I’m always biding my time between sleep. I have no motivation to do any of the million-and-one things I need and want to do. I have fungus (not the good kind) growing under my house, which I still need to vapor barrier and insulate after my hot water heater sprung a leak earlier this year. I have spiders throwing raves and orgies in my garage because there are absolutely no walls and a shit ton of holes and cracks that need to be filled. I still have over half a yard full of leaves from last year that need to be raked (that’s even after bagging 30+ bags this year). I’m in the middle of building a computer desk. I want to build a patio/firepit out back so I can enjoy the outside. The list goes on and on. I have all this free time, and no passion for anything anymore. I’m drowning. I am in a constant state of drowning. I’m just flailing away, gagging, and gasping for little bits of air here and there, but I never fully succumb.

PS. To my boys, if you ever come across this post, and I didn’t make it, please know that I tried really, really hard. I’m so sorry to have ever let you down.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ca/post/47404500

I did not even expect to hit 10 subscribers total to be honest. I hope this community can be a helpful and positive experience for everyone. I know I have felt alone at so many times in my life and felt I had no one to turn to. I have been SO lucky to have a wonderful brother without who I probably wouldn't be alive today. But I know some people aren't lucky enough to have that support. And it's clear so many men feel this way too in this world, and they end up finding role models wherever they can.

Unfortunately they have been in some horrible people lately. I started this with the idea of people just coming together for a common cause - to have a space to talk about the sensitive topics that many may not want to or cannot talk about with their real life people, to get perspectives and support from other people who have been in similar situations, and to hopefully make life a little less shitty for everyone in the process. Thank you everyone for being willing to take part in this with me, and to hopefully create our own little family with better advice and role models than the Internet currently offers.

If anyone has any questions for me or just want someone to talk to one on one, please please feel free to reach out!

This video brought up for me the absolute sameness of what is marketed as men's clothing and acceptable forms of self-expression

I'll vent a bit here to get started. When I was 15 I was sexually assaulted by a woman and no one would believe me. Or if they did believe me, it was the "well what's the problem, was she ugly or something?" Usual spiel. I still have PTSD over this but I cannot speak of it to anyone because it's the same shit over and over again. When I was 16 my girlfriend put out her cigarette on me for the first time. This would continue for the next year and a half before I managed to leave her. I still have over a dozen scars inflicted by her.

I have an EXTREMELY hard time trusting anyone or forming attachments in general because of what's been done to me and I really don't have anyone to talk to about it other than my brother, who went through his own physical. When I was 21 I got into a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship and I let that go on for three years because I had been conditioned into thinking that it was normal, and I had to just "man up" and take it in my previous relationship so I considered the step down from physical abuse to be a bit of a blessing. It wasn't.

I wish I had had someone to tell me that none of this was okay, that I did not have to let myself suffer through these things, that just because I was a man did not mean that I was a free ride to whoever wanted me and I shouldn't compain because I "got some", that I am a human being who has feelings and emotions and should be allowed to express them without being threatened with physical harm.

I want everyone in this place to be that kind of person for everyone else in this place. I want this to be a place free of judgement to share the things that you can't share with others. And I want us to come together as a community to support everyone who comes here seeking help. Life fucking sucks but together we can make it a little less sucky.